WELCOME TO BIZARRO WORLD

[Demonland 70,166]

by Whispering Jack

According to Wikipedia, the Bizarro World (also known as "HTRAE") is a fictional cube shaped planet in the DC comics universe. The original Bizarros were the opposites of Superman and Lois Lane but, in today's popular culture, the term Bizarro is used "to describe anything that utilizes twisted logic or that is the opposite of something else". In recent times, Bizarros have popped up on Sienfeld. Now they've arrived in the AFL!

I know this because I was sitting in the stands watching the Western Bulldogs vs. Melbourne game at the Telstra Dome on Sunday afternoon and it was a fairly good spectacle until this team of Bizarro men in yellow masquerading as umpires descended on the football field in the middle of the second quarter and destroyed it all in the space of a few minutes. I'll come back to that later because I prefer to remember the match for its finer points and the excellent contest it provided for the 24,000 odd punters who came to watch the game rather than the depths to which the game can descend when administrators tinker with the rules and then let Bizarros loose to wreak havoc with the sport.

This was the seventh game of the season but the Demons' 2007 injury curse failed to take a rest. Before selection, the team lost recruit Ricky Petterd, a rising star nominee the week before and who was averaging about 20 possessions in his first two games, with a hamstring injury. Then Jared Rivers pulled out of the selected side with a back injury and, with emergency Byron Pickett fighting off a hangover at some place other than the Telstra Dome where he was supposed to be, Ben Holland took his place in the team.

As has become the norm in this disastrous season, two Demons - Nathan Carroll (concussion) and Brad Miller (ankle) - failed to see out the game while Dutchy was soon sporting an elastic headband to cover up the blood caused in an altercation with Brad Johnson. Then, at some stage during the game, Simon Godfrey appeared to faint and was seen lying prostrate on the Telstra Dome turf while his nearest opponent Scott West was sheepishly slinking into the distance hoping to god the television cameras were pointing elsewhere seconds earlier. Anyhow, I'll come back to the consequences of not seeing out a game with 22 fit men later.

At the start, Melbourne did well. It ran hard, was on target and had the better of the contest for the first quarter. Aaron Davey had put his early season slump well behind him with two first-quarter goals on his way to a 29 possession game and Travis Johnstone and Adem Yze were finally both back in town. Youngsters Lynden Dunn and Matthew Bate were continuing on with their promising form and Colin Sylvia was finally asserting himself over a good opponent in Griffen. Godfrey had West by the proverbials and he was on his way to claiming his third top shelf scalp in as many weeks. Moreover, the Doggies were a trifle lucky to even be within two goals after a couple of lucky umpiring breaks in front of goal. But they were just normal garden variety breaks of luck from the maggots. The real fun hadn't started yet.

The first half of the second quarter continued in the same vein with the Demons dictating terms as they stretched ahead a little to 13 points with a Bate goal when suddenly the Bizarros emerged out of a black hole underneath the ground at the Telstra Dome as maggots often will.

Most people will point to the controversial free kick awarded to Daniel Cross as the turning point of the game and the emergence of the Bizarros but I believe it started and ended with Melbourne's skipper who had a dog of a day. I'll go back a minute earlier in time when David Neitz was ridden into the ground with his opponent landing on top of him. The free kick went against the Demon skipper who was deemed to be holding the ball. The play then moved into the Bulldog forward line where Cross James McDonald ran down. He was certainly caught holding the ball but the momentum of the tackle caused Junior to end up on top of his opponent. On viewing the replay later, I have no doubt the commentator, like many others including me, thought Cross was gone. But that's the luck of the game - the rough decisions will usually even themselves out - especially if the umpires are consistent. Won't they? The free to Cross resulted in a hand pass off to Gilbee and lead was down to seven points.

A moment later Cross was in the action again when he took a mark and was brought down late by Paul Johnson who was doing well in the ruck. The resultant 70 metre penalty resulted in a Cross goal and was followed by another to Higgins after Brad Johnson appeared to put his hands on Cameron Bruce's back as the two went for the ball (the commentator used the words "Johnson wrestles with Bruce" - please give me a break!). Suddenly, the hard fought lead had evaporated and the Dogs were in front. The Demons had the chance to come back when Neitz took a mark and was brought down to the ground a trifle late by Harris. Now was the chance for the maggots, sorry stoggam, to display some consistency. Fifty metres anyone? No, not seventy, not fifty, not fifteen. Nada.

I guess Neita should have kicked the goal from 35 metres but he didn't. Fact is if there was anything other than Bizarro justice in this world he would have been taking his shot from the goal square. The result was that the half time break came and the Dogs had gained the ascendancy even though Melbourne led everywhere statistically except where it counted and the opposition had kicked the last five goals of the Bizarro first half.

I think Neale Daniher has been somewhat unfairly bagged during the team's horror start to the season by those who know no better. His coaching of the team in this game (and the previous one against Port Adelaide for that matter), particularly after half time was, sensational and he deserved to be better rewarded for his efforts than what the scribes called a "gallant" six point defeat.

For starters, he didn't go negative and he didn't try to win with a negative style of game that his players haven't been able to perfect and certainly would have struggled with given the list of players he had available to him. He moved Cameron Bruce onto the ball instead of playing the negating role on Brad Johnson and the move immediately paid dividends with the team edging to within a point before the Dogs struggled to win back a couple later in the quarter.

Melbourne came back again in the final term and it was goal for goal. Daniher didn't hesitate to drag Neitz off after he gave away a soft free kick (made even softer by the fact that the Bizarros in yellow had virtually thrown their whistles away earlier in the quarter) was awarded against him straight after a Melbourne goal. The resultant penalty let the Dogs back with a fortunate goal. It was the Bulldogs who had the run of luck when the Bizarros awarded Melbourne a fifty metre (I later measured it at 43½ but what the hell?) that actually worked to the their advantage because Colin Sylvia already had the ball and was off fifty metres downfield from where the original mark was paid.

Daniher was again limited with Carroll and Miller injured - a huge disadvantage in a close contest but the final roll of the dice saw Brad Johnson showing his class and kicking the winning goal from almost fifty metres out. This was the final straw in a Bizarro game in which the productivity of the two skippers was the ultimate determinant as to which team would walk away with the four points.

Even more Bizarro was the fact that, at the end of the game, Melbourne which had now narrowly lost to the top team and another major finals contender was still sitting winless after seven games and facing a tough game at Subiaco against the Eagles a week later.

Totally Bizarro!

Melbourne 6.1.37 7.6.48 10.9.69 16.10.106

Western Bulldogs 4.1.25 10.5.65 12.12.84 16.16.112

Goals:

Melbourne: Davey Sylvia 3 Green Yze 2 Bate Bell Dunn Johnstone Neitz White

Western Bulldogs: Johnson 4 Hahn Higgins 2 Akermanis Cooney Cross Darcy Eagleton Giansiracusa Gilbee Hargrave.

Best:

Melbourne: Davey Johnstone Sylvia White Bruce Yze.

Western Bulldogs: Johnson Cross Eagleton Gilbee Harris Giansiracusa.

Injuries:

Melbourne: Miller (ankle), Carroll (concussion).

Western Bulldogs Nil.

Team Changes:

Melbourne: Rivers (back) replaced in selected side by Holland.

Western Bulldogs Nil.

Umpires: McLaren Sully Head.

Crowd: 24,584 at Telstra Dome