THE SAUSAGE ROLL DID IT

[Demonland 73,140]

by Whispering Jack

Long-time Melbourne supporters are used to this. Two rounds into the season and their team is in trouble after suffering a second defeat at the MCG to a team which finished below it last year (and the least experienced side in the competition). Twice, the Demons have entered the game as firm favourites with the bookmakers, twice they cruised to an early three goal lead which, in the past would have been used as the springboard for a solid victory, and twice they surrendered meekly in the second and third quarters before showing some semblance of mild but belated resistance in the end.

The only thing left to consider was an excuse for these pathetic performances and, while looking for just such an excuse, I stumbled upon a news item about how the humble sausage roll recently caused a Sydney train to run 15 minutes late. All because the driver claimed he was blinded by a sausage roll.

Fair dinkum!

The Sydney Daily Telegraph has obtained a long list of dubious excuses used by CityRail drivers and guards for getting off work mid-shift. One of them runs as follows:-

"Driver reports eye injury most likely sustained whilst eating a hot sausage roll . . . he has sensitive eyes and may have rubbed an irritant into them during crib."

So I thought to myself, is it possible that the Demons could get away with the same sort of excuse for their failure to nail the opposition when they were poised do just that? Do players get their sustenance before a game from savoury food like the sausage roll? Is it possible for the fumes from the tomato sauce to collectively steer a whole team so far off course that all they can do for two hours is take the longest course home using the most inefficient means to steer that course? Can you get double vision from the effect of the herbs and spices ingrained in the sausage roll to the point where you all you do is handball in the direction of a teammates' stationary feet or kick straight to your opposition?

Nah!

On reflection, the sausage roll story is a bit too far fetched. Why not run with the official line from the coach who puts it down to the ebbs and flows of the modern game.

"You have to have a look at the middle of the game. Are we working hard enough? Are we getting bottled down in our inability to clear it? They got their hands on the ball around those scrums," Daniher said after Melbourne’s 22 point humbling at the hands of the Hawks on Easter Monday.

There was a nice ring about it but it was a bit too prosaic for me so I skipped across to Sportal which is currently running a poll as to why Melbourne has made such a tardy start to the season. The alternatives given to site visitors and the results to date are:-

1. Injuries to key players hurt (19%);

2. Neale Daniher cannot coach (22%);

3. Because Green, Yze, White and co can't lift (30%) and

4. They have too much dead wood (29%)

The two things they left out were the perennial, "the umpires suck" and the handy "all of the above" which is probably as good as it gets. Thankfully, nobody thought of using the Sydney train driver's excuse for the tardiness.

The poll is pretty much a reality check for an ailing club. There's no doubt in my mind that Melbourne are simply being outclassed by the opposition and there are no excuses.

It matters not whether this emphasis on "run and carry" is real or imaginative, the Demons have fallen into a hole playing a brand of football that doesn't come naturally to the players. They appear confused and frustrated and a few simply appear lazy. Their leaders aren't contributing and the impression one gets is that this is an ill-disciplined rabble. One consequence is a staggering 49 frees against to 31 for in two matches, 11 goals kicked against from frees to only two for (roughly the losing margin in each game) and that's not counting a few goals from 50 metre penalties. The result is two humiliating defeats and a well-deserved place at the very foot of the league ladder.

Last week I considered that I might have witnessed a mirage watching an appalling number of mistakes committed and wrong options taken. The style was ugly. Sitting not far around from the wing in the Northern Stand, the players appeared to be going sideways rather than straight ahead. This week, I was in the Ponsford Stand more or less behind the goals and it was even more pronounced that the Demons have developed an aversion to going forward in a straight line. They've forgetten all about trigonometry and are going in circles, holding on to the ball for far too long and making it far too simple for the opposition defence to clear the ball away in the rare event that they strike it lucky and pass the centre without losing possession. And what's happened to controllling the corridor? It's being avoided like the plague!

On the eve of the season I nominated my list of Melbourne's ten most important players. Their output (or lack thereof) after just two weeks of football is a clear pointer to the club's on field troubles.

1. Brock McLean - injured after completing one quarter against the Saints.

2. Travis Johnstone - one ordinary and one substandard performance after being heavily tagged.

3. Jared Rivers - missed the Saints game with injury but reasonably good against the Hawks.

4. Jeff White - beaten twice in the ruck. What's worse he was embarrassingly, brushed aside by Hawthorn's Boyle who plucked the ball out of a boundary ruck contest and goaled in the third quarter.

5. Cameron Bruce - only reasonable, getting cheap possessions and disposal ordinary.

6. David Neitz - injured his knee in the first quarter against Hawthorn and set to miss 4 games.

7. Brad Green - just going and making plenty of mistakes.

8. Aaron Davey - badly under performing and seems to have lost the magic touch in the absence of Byron Pickett.

9. Matthew Whelan - injured early against the Saints and played below his best on return against the Hawks.

10. James McDonald - reasonable but nowhere near his All Australian form of last year.

Looking outside this list to some of the other experienced players at the club and you have Adem Yze (dropped), Russell Robertson (sluggish, then injured and out for four weeks), Nathan Brown (missed the Saints but reasonably good against the Hawks), Byron Pickett (failed to make it through three quarters at Sandy) and Ben Holland (dropped after the Saints game). Doesn't that say it all?

The few plusses are the form of Nathan Jones and Brad Miller who are standing up in the face of the opposition onslaughts, Brent Moloney, Daniel Bell and maybe Nathan Carroll. To show how desperate I really am, I'll nominate Colin Sylvia's game at Sandringham on Easter Saturday. And a special mention to the much-maligned Simon Godfrey who lacks skills but shows how much he cherishes his place in the side every time he steps onto the field. Godders is no Easter Bunny.

The other plusses are that Melbourne has no option but to recast its team extensively for next week's game against Geelong and for the month beyond. In doing so, it is to be hoped that Daniher will take the adventurous option. Try something different with the players at his disposal and pick a few youngsters, even if they would in the ordinary course not be considered ready.

What has he got to lose?

His job?

Another plus might be that the coach allows the players to return to the style of game from around the middle of 2006 when they were thumping the opposition, getting the ball out of the middle and going right down the guts. The "run and carry" stuff can be slowly re-introduced if necesssary in the weeks before the team plays on a long, thing ground like Subiaco. Let's just keep it away from the MCG, shall we?

Whatever changes are made, I'm really hoping that one of them won't involve the move foreshadowed by Daniher of playing Aaron Davey at full forward (wouldn't a proven player like Brad Green be a better option?).

If that happens, then take it from me, I'll be the bloke down at the kiosk buying out the entire stock of sausage rolls, applying liberal doses of tomato sauce and doing my best to think of some more excuses for another tardy performance.

Melbourne 4.5.29 5.7.37 10.10.70 14.10.94

Hawthorn 2.4.16 7.8.50 15.9.99 17.14.116

Goals Miller 3 Godfrey Jamar Moloney 2 Bate Neitz Robertson Ward White

Best Jones Moloney Miller Rivers Bruce McDonald

Injuries Bartram (knee) withdrew from selected side, Neitz (knee) Robertson (knee)

Reports Nil

Umpires Rosebury Sully Ryan

Crowd 43,197 at the MCG