This is your life . . .

[Skuit 9,166]

This may appear as if an ultra-long, self-indulgent post to celebrate my 3000^th instance of time-wasting on our beloved Demons footballing hub; sifting through 118 pages of mostly drivel (up until about a year back) to compile a personal ‘best of’ in the disappointing fashion of a sitcom milestone retrospective.

But really, the thread is not intended as just a pointless self-homage – rather an opportunity for us to cordially gather together in these current times of abundance and back-slapping and reflect on our own personal and collective journeys to this point, both the camaraderie and the occasional degree of bickering befitting of Cormac McCarthy’s ‘The Road.’

Include what you will, boast of impressive predictions, recall wonky or wacky opinions, showcase your sublime comedic talent, or just settle old scores in a never-ending verbal fight to the death – I’m certain you’ll be judged accordingly – but, a quick note, I suspect a third-person format will quickly grow tedious, so perhaps a better template would be something of this like:

…………………………………………………......

First post:

Best Nostradamus moment:

Spot-on calls:

Biggest predictive flop:

An absolute personal embarrassment:

Greatest interpersonal abuse (for and against):

Most contentious post:

Persistent bugbear: (I’ll prefill this for Clint Biz – unstuck tackles and not getting back quick enough on the mark)

Individual player lobbying and castigation - and your wrong and rights:

Best/most flamboyant meltdown:

All-time greatest zinger:

Little would we know:

Etc . . :

……………………………………………………….

Anywho, without further ado, this is your life . . . Skuit.

May 19^th 2015, you finally broke your cherry on the boards, after lurking since 2011. This very first entry into the realm of Demonland perhaps best illustrates your attraction to the site in the first place: a debilitating case of MFCSS and the psychological need for community.

Following an injury to some kid called Dean: It seems the only players on our list outside of Tmac to have shown some positive signs of individual improvement so far this year were Viney (426), Salem (426) and Kent (?).

Your MFCSS would become a common theme during your time on Demonland.

On our likelihood of victory during the bye-week: Hogan gets hit by the regular bus. #fistedforever

In more general terms: MFCSS logic: The opposition are rebounding off an embarrassing loss. Melbourne are going to lose. The opposition are in good form and coming off a win. Melbourne are going to lose.

But turning to Demonland as a support network may have been ill-advised. The first time you were told to shove it: @faultydet: What a phlog ... Take your "sweeping generalisations", and belt them up your ars, you racist [censored] 

Your response, however, was all class, resisting the temptation for antagonistic leftist baiting; I have a gangly inverted black humanoid figure as an avatar so I clearly can't be racist. But your suggestion that I belt sweeping generalisations up my censored as a punitive measure rather than something that might be enjoyable makes me think that you could be possibly homophobic.

(cutaway for an emotional Skuit/faultydebt reunion and non-sexual burying of threatening implements).

It wasn’t the only time you would engage in virtual fisticuffs on DL in the early days.

On your suggestion that Stef Martin would have been a useful inclusion in a particular match:  @Curry & Beer: oh ffs yes we aware that one of the last hundred players we have delisted has actually gone on to play well at another club, big friggen deal

On your defense of the ‘spud’ Joe Daniher after kicking a bag against the MFC: @Curry & Beer: oh shut up please politically correct social justice warrior

On specifically Curry & Beer: (return to the studio present): If you’re listening Curry, we all miss your pleasant contributions and wish you a speedy recovery.

Still, you have displayed a fair degree of vitriolic yourself towards a particular young man in Jack Watts;

@Skuit: And Watts can go and sit on a selfie-stick for that last effort.

Including your most contentious post ever, directly following young Jack’s notable efforts to get the Demons across the line against Gold Coast in Alice last year: You can't just pick and choose when to compete. Jack Watts' contribution weighed up against Jack Watts' non-contribution for me adds up to trade.

While questionably defending the deficiencies of others in the past:

@Skuit: Fitzy any chance to get up and run with White? Would beat him hands down in tunnel-ball, leap-frog, rounders, fiddle-sticks . . .

Can you tell us the source of this apparent resentment?

Live Skuit: Thanks Ray. I never felt that Jack would be the right fit in moving us forward. That is all.

Outside of Jack though, you’ve levelled an undue amount of abuse at another pair of current-day performers, brothers in fact:

@Skuit: Imagine living next-door to the MacDonald clan. Mister, can we have our ball back. Mister, can we have our ball back. Mister, can we have . . . .

@Skuit: The nick-name 'Tomald' is revelation enough (courtesy of @Deestroy All): It can even be used as a verb. Like when you Tomald the ball directly to the single opposition player standing in the middle of four of your own teammates. 

@Skuit: Hibberd and Pedo can go and stand next to Nev in the Reliable Camp. Omac can go and stand next to that Traeger Park tree and wait for the next electrical storm. Might spark some life into the boy.  

@Skuit: I'm certain it's to do with his vision and depth perception. Needs corrective lenses. OPSMac.

So, do you have anything to say in your defence in terms of the McDonald bothers?

Yes, thanks Ray, I would really like the opportunity to sincerely apolog – hey, look, is that @stevethemanjordan?

But the abuse hasn’t all been confined to Melbourne players: Excuse my language, but that umpire Nicholls is a [censored] [censored] camel [censored] [censored] stain.

Yet, it hasn’t all been anger, frustration and arguments over the recent past years. Let’s look back at some of the good times and more light-hearted moments you’ve shared on Demonland.

On the solid bonds of community, (or, impressions of your Demonalnd peers): Where Demonland posters go to get their insights on the MFC . . .

Saty: the Viney-family garden.

Ethan Tremblay: reruns of Hawaii Five-O.

SWYL: 9/11 footage.

Beezlebub: The scoreboard stupid.

Old Dee: The 1965 VFL season almanac.

Wiseblood: the contraindication info on the back of a Percocet packet.

BBO: subspace

Picket: sheeeit! I am the ORACLE!!!

Stevetheman: the police report from that time Oscar ran over his own cat the clumsy stupid doofus.

Stuie: Stuie’s facebook page moderated by someone called Stuie.

Clint Bizkit: personal stopwatch splits for players getting behind their mark.

hemingway: whisky and soda.

Puntkick: whisky and rum.

And your most proud pun over the journey: On the Brayshaw brothers: @DubDee: Assume they are from Scottish stock with those names? @Skuit: Irish actually. To Brayshaw, to Brayshaw.

Or; on the broader question of how to resolve AFL midfield congestion: Clarryntyne.

And by far your worst effort, indeed the most disappointing pun you’ve ever committed to the digital ether: On North recruiting a certain unnamed recruiter: I imagine some the North fans would have been shocked by this decision. A Barry Prend-aghast even.

Your best, however, digital work in this modern high-tech era of cut & paste technology:

On Lynden Dunn’s curious ongoing exclusion at the expense of some kid called Oscar:

Or, following another injury to our reserve stocks last year: What it’s like being a Smith playing for Melbourne:                                                                                                                                                                                 

And possibly your sharpest ever grand take-down: @Nasher: Flip through my contacts for a Port supporter to bag, realise I don't know a single one of them. @Skuit: You should call your insurer. You may be entitled to a discount on your home-and-contents premiums.   

Still, some of your anti-club witticisms may have on occasion come back to bite: (last year): I’m calling it now – Richmond will be in 9th position heading into the final day of the season.                             

On the other hand, some eerie soothsaying [censored] leading up to the Collingwood QB clash in 2016: If I were seeking a way for Garlett to recapture his form and confidence, I'd send him to the forward pocket on Queen's Birthday at the MCG against Collingwood and tell him to kick goals.                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Also: Roos: 'our job is to decide whether he can functionally perform the way we want him to play and we won't know that until Saturday morning.' @Skuit: But whose job at the club is it to decide whether playing could aggravate the injury or cause longer-term damage? I hope they're not leaving it up to a character like Viney to self-report.

And on a final note and fitting summary of your  Demonland excursion to date. 

In respect to the potential of the Demons making the grand final last year: This will sound like the strangest comment ever uttered in these hallowed digital halls, but I don't think I'm ready yet. This is my life now. Melbourne's inveterate crapness is a core part of my personal identity. The Stockholm Syndrome has full hold of me. Just the thought of a flag and the existential anxiety seizes my brain. How the hell am I possibly going to cope on Grand Final day?!! And around all those bloody neutrals who couldn't possibly understand. What if it all goes horribly wrong? And surely, surely, after waiting so desperately all this time, there isn't the slightest hope that the joy however great could ever live up to the desire. And how much salt would it rub into the wounds - to suddenly do it so easily after a half-century of wasted effort? What happens when life returns to normal? When cricket returns to the G' and ordinary people no longer care? When everyone else has forgotten the pain and the suffering and simply moved on? I'll be that prisoner released into society after serving a life sentence. I'm institutionalised. My only hope is recidivism. To bid farewell to the MFC and jump on the Richmond bandwagon to nowhere . . . 

@Demonland: Where were you in 2000?            

@Skuit: Drunk by about 10am.

[Demonland 64,712]

Good post. Congratulations on your 3000th post. I look forward to your 5000th post.

[Stretch Johnson 2,568]

@Skuit

Presentation/grammar          20/25

Research                                  24/25

Critical Analysis                      22/25

Referencing                             23/25

Grade:                                          89%

[DubDee 20,531]

I missed the part after you said about the things. The things?

[Its Time for Another 4,052]

2 hours ago, Stretch Johnson said:

@Skuit

Presentation/grammar          20/25

Research                                  24/25

Critical Analysis                      22/25

Referencing                             23/25

Grade:                                          89%

Where were you when I was doing HSC/VCE ?  I would have got a 99.99 ATAR on that marking. 

[Sir Why You Little 34,430]

“Input overload”

Number 5 cannot cope!!!

[Tony Tea 2,786]

6 hours ago, Skuit said:

time-wasting

Time wasting is not what I call the acme of energetic pragmatism that is posting about the Dees.

[leave it to deever 15,315]

Thanks Skuit.

On the matter of wasting time I have pondered this site should have an awards thread..........best prediction. ..... Sarcastic..........limerick. 

You may be the man for the job.