Help Needed - Collingwood/Buckley Jokes

[WAGSLEFTFOOT 40]

Hey demonlanders!

I know we are all still reeling from losing to the filth, so here is your chance to let off some more steam.

A mate of mine ribbed me pretty well about the dees at my wedding last year and now its my turn.

I'm calling for all of your best pies and buckley gags so i can get some revenge!

Fire away!

Go Dees!!

[H_T 2,941]

I'd let it go if I was you, he may unleash on you again.

They knocked us off in the last round and they re-signed Bucks for 2 years - he'll get the last laugh on you.

Perhaps save it for after round one next year...until then let it burn.

Edited September 6, 2017 by H_T

[Mickey 4,172]

I only know the classic.

 

How do you know a Collingwood supporter invented the toothbrush?

If it was anyone else, it'd be called the teethbrush.

 

Edit: This website has a few http://www.skateboard.com.au/article/15-64623-1/collingwood-jokes/

Edited September 6, 2017 by Mickey
Added url

[Sir Why You Little 34,415]

59 minutes ago, WAGSLEFTFOOT said:

Hey demonlanders!

I know we are all still reeling from losing to the filth, so here is your chance to let off some more steam.

A mate of mine ribbed me pretty well about the dees at my wedding last year and now its my turn.

I'm calling for all of your best pies and buckley gags so i can get some revenge!

Fire away!

Go Dees!!

You want revenge?

they just shat all over us. 

It's time to be quiet.....

[Bitter but optimistic 21,167]

Ok Wags, Uncle Bitter will help you out.

Q: Why can't Collingwood supporters use postage stamps?
A: They can't work out which side to spit on.

Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Collingwood fan?
A: Because you can always park in the disabled spaces!

Q: What is the difference between a Collingwood fan and a pot hole?
A: You  swerve to avoid the pot hole!

Q: What is the difference between a Collingwood fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop dribbling ..... eventually.

[Mickey 4,172]

23 minutes ago, Sir Why You Little said:

You want revenge?

they just shat all over us. 

It's time to be quiet.....

Obviously just ribbing between mates at their respective weddings. That's what he wants revenge for

[Deemented Are Go! 3,581]

Q: What do you do when see a Collingwood fan with half a head running across a paddock?

A: Stop laughing and re-load.

 

 

...too harsh?

[Sir Why You Little 34,415]

24 minutes ago, Mickey said:

Obviously just ribbing between mates at their respective weddings. That's what he wants revenge for

Yes i can read  i wouldn't be saying a word

 

[george_on_the_outer 6,944]

From Puntroadend.com.......adjust each joke as required:

Just to lightening the mood.

An Essendon fan, a Collingwood fan and a Richmond fan were all in  Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere
possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!


However, after many months and with the help of very good  lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving  just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to grant each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Essendon fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he  thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Essendon fan had to be carried away  bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Collingwood fan was next up (he had almost finished an entire  six pack by himself), and after watching the scene, said "Alright!  Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could  only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending
the Collingwood fan out crying like a little girl.


The Richmond fan was the last one up (he had finished off  the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of the best and most loyal fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Royal Highness," the Richmond fan replies. "In  recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me  not 20, but 100 lashes".

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful  man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And, your second  wish....what is it to be?"
"Tie the Collingwood fan to my back."

 

How do you know you are a Collingwood supporter:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
 
 2. You let your twelve-year-old  daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3.  You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
 
4. Jack Daniel's  makes your list of "most admired people."
 
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family once died right after saying:  "Hey, watch this...."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
 
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
 
9. You think the last  words of Advance Australia Fair are: "Carn the Pies."

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.

12. You  have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14.  You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

15. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife  is drunk.
 
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
 

 

For more....they have 12 pages worth....go to

http://puntroadend.com/yabbse/index.php?topic=2126.0

You will have to sign up to the site to get access.

[CBDees 3,162]

What has 48 feet and 17 teeth?

The front row of the Collingwood Cheer Squad.

[buck_nekkid 5,458]

What does a Collingwood supporter use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

[buck_nekkid 5,458]

How can you tell the bride at a Collingwood wedding?  

she is the one in the new Mokkies.

[Longsufferingnomore 1,459]

I was having a bad day until I read this. 

[DubDee 20,352]

[WAGSLEFTFOOT 40]

Yeah its all in the name of banter.. wont be too harsh.

Keem em coming

[CBDees 3,162]

Q. What chance does Collingwood have of pulling off a Premiership in the next two years? 

A. Buckley's or none!

 

[DubDee 20,352]

4 years of linear improvement from MFC

6 years of linear regression from the pies

it is beautiful to watch. Pies have nothing to crow about. They were the youngest premiers, at the start of a massive premiership window and seemingly, deliberately fked it up! and continue to shoot themselves in the foot by signing a bloke that clearly cannot coach

[daisycutter 28,458]

i can't work out whether our improvement was lineal or incremental........

[Maldonboy38 5,808]

2 hours ago, george_on_the_outer said:

From Puntroadend.com.......adjust each joke as required:

Just to lightening the mood.

An Essendon fan, a Collingwood fan and a Richmond fan were all in  Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere
possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!


However, after many months and with the help of very good  lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving  just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to grant each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Essendon fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he  thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Essendon fan had to be carried away  bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Collingwood fan was next up (he had almost finished an entire  six pack by himself), and after watching the scene, said "Alright!  Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could  only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending
the Collingwood fan out crying like a little girl.


The Richmond fan was the last one up (he had finished off  the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of the best and most loyal fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Royal Highness," the Richmond fan replies. "In  recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me  not 20, but 100 lashes".

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful  man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And, your second  wish....what is it to be?"
"Tie the Collingwood fan to my back."

 

How do you know you are a Collingwood supporter:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
 
 2. You let your twelve-year-old  daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3.  You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
 
4. Jack Daniel's  makes your list of "most admired people."
 
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family once died right after saying:  "Hey, watch this...."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
 
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
 
9. You think the last  words of Advance Australia Fair are: "Carn the Pies."

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.

12. You  have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14.  You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

15. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife  is drunk.
 
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
 

 

For more....they have 12 pages worth....go to

http://puntroadend.com/yabbse/index.php?topic=2126.0

You will have to sign up to the site to get access.

 

After a crappy end to the season, this brightened up my day a bit. Pure gold. 

 

 

[Ethan Tremblay 28,289]

[Bitter but optimistic 21,167]

52 minutes ago, Ethan Tremblay said:

Your best work Ethan!!!

Nearly soiled my panties.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Bitter but optimistic

[Jibroni 4,019]

55 minutes ago, Ethan Tremblay said:

Fark that's funny Ethan!

[Mazer Rackham 14,968]

It’s a bright new day in a Collingwood supporter household. Baz, Raelene, and children Shaz and Daz are gathered around the breakfast table eating left over McDonald’s.

Baz says: "Son. Today is a very special day."
Daz: "Did we win the premiership again?"
"Um. Prob'ly. I'll check wif Dicko. But what I mean is, today it's ya tenf birfday. Rae, get me anuvver beer before I belt ya one."
"Is it Dad? I fought last year wuz me tenf birfday?"
"Woz it? Might o' been, ya know. I can't count past ten. I know there's some uvver numbers. There's 35 ... and there's 42 ... I fink there's more than that too."
"Does that mean I hafta start goin' ta school, dad?”
"School? School? School is fer smartarses an' Melbun supporters! No child o' mine is goin' ta school! Nor you neither, Shaz. No, son, it's ya tenf birfday so today yez get to go out and buy ... yer very own Collingwood jumper!"
"Like Shaz's?"
"Yes son. Just like Shaz's."
"I fought we shoplifted hers?"
"No son.  Not a Collingwood jumper. The f***ing rozzers can come and take most fings we got but they can never take away our Collingwood jumpers if we got ‘em a hunnerd percent legal."
"You’re real smart dad. But where's we gunna get the money from?"
"From this wallet what I nicked from some bloke at the train station yestdee."
"Geez dad, you fink of everyfink!"
"Thanks son. That's why I’m head o' the household and why I get to wear Nathan Buckley’s number on me back. All right, I got a big day ahead o' me. First I gotta go down the pub, then Centrelink, then I’ve gotta go to the track and sort through the left over race tickets. Then down to the Westpac centre to see if I can spot Eddie McGuire going in. Then the pub again. I'll see yez tanight in ya new footy jumper!"

Off goes Baz and off go the rest to the nearest Big W.

Raelene says: "Awrite, son. Pick out a jumper. Take yer time. Me and Shaz'll be over tryin' to nick a iphone."

Daz checks out all the AFL jumpers.

Shaz comes back. "Did ya pick one yet?"
"Yep. I want this one."
It's a Carlton jumper. Shaz can't believe it.

"Ya little [censored]! Wodja pick that one for?"
She spits on him.
"Mum! Look at what Daz chose!"

Mum comes over. "Yes, yes, what's all the-- what the f*** is this?"
"But mum, I want this jumper!"
"Why you ungrayfuss ... ungratesel .... ungr .... ya little [censored]!"
She slaps him hard and pulls out some chunks of hair.
"I wish I'd shoplifted a umbrella so's I could poke ya in the guts wiv it! Just wait till yaw father hears about this!"

They go home in silence.

Dad gets home. "Awrite, where's young Darren? Where's me little champ? Rae, get me a beer before I belt ya one."

Daz appears in his Carlton jumper. Baz nearly goes into shock. He stares for a full minute before he speaks in a cold, low voice.

"You barztid. You f***in' barztid." Reflexes kick in and he punches Daz in the guts, and while he's bent over, knees him in the teeth, knocking out a few. Daz collapses to the floor and mum, dad and Shaz lay the boots in.

Eventually they've had enough and stand back.

Dad says, panting: "I hope yez have learned something, son."
"Yes, dad, I have"
"And what's that?"
"I’ve only barracked for Carlton for one day, and already I hate youse Collingwood c***s!"

 

[Bitter but optimistic 21,167]

9 minutes ago, Mazer Rackham said:

It’s a bright new day in a Collingwood supporter household. Baz, Raelene, and children Shaz and Daz are gathered around the breakfast table eating left over McDonald’s.

Baz says: "Son. Today is a very special day."
Daz: "Did we win the premiership again?"
"Um. Prob'ly. I'll check wif Dicko. But what I mean is, today it's ya tenf birfday. Rae, get me anuvver beer before I belt ya one."
"Is it Dad? I fought last year wuz me tenf birfday?"
"Woz it? Might o' been, ya know. I can't count past ten. I know there's some uvver numbers. There's 35 ... and there's 42 ... I fink there's more than that too."
"Does that mean I hafta start goin' ta school, dad?”
"School? School? School is fer smartarses an' Melbun supporters! No child o' mine is goin' ta school! Nor you neither, Shaz. No, son, it's ya tenf birfday so today yez get to go out and buy ... yer very own Collingwood jumper!"
"Like Shaz's?"
"Yes son. Just like Shaz's."
"I fought we shoplifted hers?"
"No son.  Not a Collingwood jumper. The f***ing rozzers can come and take most fings we got but they can never take away our Collingwood jumpers if we got ‘em a hunnerd percent legal."
"You’re real smart dad. But where's we gunna get the money from?"
"From this wallet what I nicked from some bloke at the train station yestdee."
"Geez dad, you fink of everyfink!"
"Thanks son. That's why I’m head o' the household and why I get to wear Nathan Buckley’s number on me back. All right, I got a big day ahead o' me. First I gotta go down the pub, then Centrelink, then I’ve gotta go to the track and sort through the left over race tickets. Then down to the Westpac centre to see if I can spot Eddie McGuire going in. Then the pub again. I'll see yez tanight in ya new footy jumper!"

Off goes Baz and off go the rest to the nearest Big W.

Raelene says: "Awrite, son. Pick out a jumper. Take yer time. Me and Shaz'll be over tryin' to nick a iphone."

Daz checks out all the AFL jumpers.

Shaz comes back. "Did ya pick one yet?"
"Yep. I want this one."
It's a Carlton jumper. Shaz can't believe it.

"Ya little [censored]! Wodja pick that one for?"
She spits on him.
"Mum! Look at what Daz chose!"

Mum comes over. "Yes, yes, what's all the-- what the f*** is this?"
"But mum, I want this jumper!"
"Why you ungrayfuss ... ungratesel .... ungr .... ya little [censored]!"
She slaps him hard and pulls out some chunks of hair.
"I wish I'd shoplifted a umbrella so's I could poke ya in the guts wiv it! Just wait till yaw father hears about this!"

They go home in silence.

Dad gets home. "Awrite, where's young Darren? Where's me little champ? Rae, get me a beer before I belt ya one."

Daz appears in his Carlton jumper. Baz nearly goes into shock. He stares for a full minute before he speaks in a cold, low voice.

"You barztid. You f***in' barztid." Reflexes kick in and he punches Daz in the guts, and while he's bent over, knees him in the teeth, knocking out a few. Daz collapses to the floor and mum, dad and Shaz lay the boots in.

Eventually they've had enough and stand back.

Dad says, panting: "I hope yez have learned something, son."
"Yes, dad, I have"
"And what's that?"
"I’ve only barracked for Carlton for one day, and already I hate youse Collingwood c***s!"

 

Like your narratives Maze.

You are wonderfully [censored] up.

[Dee Zephyr 17,307]

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners. 
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. 
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear. 
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."